Baking.  It’s not like cooking on a stove.  You have to add all the ingredients and let it bake BEFORE you get to find out if you made it right.  If you forget even just one thing…well…have you ever done that?

It’s not like cooking something on the stove.  You can test it as you go.  You can season it if it doesn’t taste right.  Add a little of this and a little of that.

I feel like raising kids is more like baking.  Except…they didn’t come with a recipe…  You roughly know you are making something…say a cake.  You add the basic stuff…flour, sugar and all that.  But what if you forget to add baking powder?  Or what if you add too much?  Or not enough?  See what I’m getting at?  You aren’t gonna know if it is gonna turn out right until you BAKE it.

Sometimes I feel like we are taking mini test runs.  Like today.  I feel like I’m letting them go.  A little bit each day.  When I do that I hope and pray I’m putting the right stuff in there…the stuff they need to make it through the day…through life.  Ava had a HUGE report due today.  I dropped her off at school on the sidewalk, cause we were running a little late, and watched her walk in with this big poster board and watching her growing up in front of me with each step she took away from me.

I gave her the poster and she took it and then saw one of her classmates walking in with something similar.  She took off barely saying goodbye.  I could have taken offense.  After all I practically did the whole thing for her.  I mean really.  What on earth does the school expect from 4th grade?  The funny thing was…one of the pieces came off in her desperation to catch up.  She stopped and picked it up.  I hadn’t stopped watching her.  I hadn’t gotten back in the car.  I was waiting for her to get all the way in to school.  To make sure she was ok.  To no one but me did she look to when she needed help.  She looked back.  I gave her a thumbs up and said just put it back in when you get in!  She smiled and went running on in to school.

I’ve been praying all morning that she will do well with her presentation.  That she won’t be nervous and that she will do well.  But again.  It’s like baking.  You won’t know until you put everything in the pan, mix it well, and put it in the oven to bake for awhile.  Sometimes even then its not enough.  I’ve just got to let go and hope that I did what I could and trust that God will take care of everything.  It’s scary to put the cake in the oven…what if I forgot something?  At that point it is out of my hands.  Letting go is soooooo hard!  BUT…watching the emerging beautiful cake…it’s SOOOOO WORTH IT!

I’ve been feeling extremely nostalgic lately.  I’m not clear on the cause.  One of the medications that I take periodically makes me feel this way.  Weird I know.  Fall does it to me too.  School starting back up does it too.  It could also be that a close friend of mine was diagnosed with stage 2 cancer.  It could also be that another person that Corey and I know committed suicide a couple weeks ago.  It could be my recent hospital stay.

Or it could be talking with the girls about the things going on in their lives and me relating stories to them about when I was in school.  They LOVE THAT!  It always seems to happen when I’m driving them to school.  I love driving them to school and picking them up.  It gives me a chance to “check in” with them and see what’s going on at school and stuff.  I find out the greatest stuff!  I’m enjoying it because I fear one day when they turn teenager on me they will clam up.  But for now I get the skinny on a lot of stuff.  Lately the conversations have been mostly about boys.  And how weird they are.  Cause let’s just face it…they are!  ;D

Both of them have had some “issues” with boys at school recently…nothing too major…but just boys being mean or whatever.  So I told them one day…”You know if a boy likes you then he usually is mean to you.”  The girls eyes got big as saucers!  There have been example after example of how that has been true.  One boy did something to Ava that landed him in the principal’s office and the principal told her, “Boys are so strange.  When they like you they beat you up.”  She was like, “That’s what my mom says!” ;D

The girls asked me, “Mom?  When you met Dad was he weird?”

“Yes!  He didn’t straighten up until about 25!”

They laughed and laughed.

Laney has been having a tough go of it with a little boy in her class.  He won’t leave her alone.  He’s to the point where he doesn’t want her to do anything but play with him and hang out with him and be friends with ONLY him.  He whispers to her in class everyday….“Laney.  Laney.  Laney.  Laney.” When she says, “What!”  He just says, “hi!”

“Mom he’s so annoying I can’t get anything done!!!!”

I know.  Big drama.  But it IS if you are her.

This morning on the way to school I told them about a boy in school that liked me just like this boy likes Laney.  Soon Laney’s story wasn’t as interesting as my story and they wanted to know all about it.  “This is COOL!”

I’ve noticed in parenting that all my girls want to know is…did that kind of stuff happen to me and what did I do as a kid?  And sometimes…there is no resolution…at least not one I can think of.  OR we think of one together.  OR they think of something after I tell them all about my childhood woes. ;D  Either way…we get a great laugh out of it…and it draws us closer together.  I’m sure when I pick them up today there will be more about what happened with this boy.  And they will wanna know more about what I did when I was in the same situation.  I don’t mind telling them.

I imagine that I am better than I am.  Because I didn’t go through the trauma of the last procedure and I don’t remember anything from this one…even though they did basically the same thing.  They took two hours to get it out.  And I was under for it.  My mind thinks…woohoo!  My body says…well nevermind that.  My body has been a little unhappy with me lately. ;D

So I walk into the hematologist’s office on Friday…  This sounds like it is going to be the start of a really bad joke, right?  Well it IS!  She tells me, “Weeeeeelll.  They got it out.  But they sure had a hard time doing it!”  THIS is the first time I’m hearing this story.

Apparently the IVC filter was REALLY stuck in my vein and a blood clot was forming around it…which is common.  Apparently.  So Dr. ____  had to work at it for 2 hours to get it out.  AND because of that I have to go BACK in and see him in about 6 weeks to look at this vein to make sure the blood flow is good in thru that area.  AND if it isn’t he has to go BACK in and do this type of procedure AGAIN and basically clean out the wall of the said vein so I won’t develop problems in that area.

So picture me doing really well Wednesday and Thursday…mentally anyway.  Then I get this news on Friday.  That basically…I’m not done yet.  I’m not saying the worst has happened.  But the fact that I’m not done…yeah.  It messed me up pretty hard.  I had a teensy tinsy breakdown over the weekend.  ;D

So instead of writing more about my medical issues…which will be a year now…

I suppose I could write about how nothing hurts but my neck.  And that I overdid it the other night playing Rock Band with my family…because we all know I play drums. ;D  And of course doing stuff with the fam always seems to help me.  Just not THAT something.  He he!

I could write about how Ava came home from a sleepover this weekend completely tired and she and I had a huge fight that I didn’t think was going to start happening until teenage years.  OMGosh.  We made up but it wasn’t fun going through it…at all.  It reminds me of Ramona Quimby Age 8 that I just recently read to the girls…about how Beezus and her mother argue about how Beezus comes home moody from sleepovers. ;D

I could write about how Laney has done nothing but film things all weekend with her camera.  She practically filmed a documentary about her life.

I could write about how I have deadlines looming before me and I have zero desire to create or work.

I could write about the season premiere of Dexter…did you watch? ;D

Or I could just stop writing.  Include a photo…to help my neurosis.  And take a nap.  What option is this? ;D

Seriously.  I’d like to be done with all this health…ehem, insert expletive…stuff.  I really would.  But I’m not.  And I’m tired of having to go through all these emotions and trying to write them down on my blog.  Cause I don’t want to.  I’m over it.  So over it.  I guess I could not write about it.  But then I think I might have another long hiatus.  Again.  And I don’t think I want that either.

I always have a good cry whenever traumatic or bad things happen.  It doesn’t always happen right away either.  It could be a week or weeks later.  Yeah.  I had that today in the doctor’s office.  One of the many doctors I see.  Only I got interrupted.  So I was thinking I may pick it back up again.  Bwahahahah!

I saw the hematologist today.  I didn’t want to.  I figured she would be upset that the filter didn’t come out.  I was right.  As in…she wants me to go back in again, to a different doc, and have that horrible, awful, no-good, very bad procedure done to me…again!  Did I say ‘again’ enough???

Do you ever get the feeling that life is being dictated to you rather than the other way around?  I’ve felt that way before.  I don’t like it much.  I especially don’t like it when it concerns my health and I’ve got all these docs that I’ve got to coordinate with…of course THEY won’t coordinate with each other…and get them all on the same page.  Which they NEVER are.  And I’m no medical expert.  Especially about this.  When they all say different things, it certainly doesn’t help.

If you ask me why I have to have the filter out…I guess the reasoning is because having a foreign body inside isn’t the best thing plus I will have to be on blood thinners for life if it stays in.  As it was put to me, “You don’t want that do you?”  Heh.

Meanwhile I was looking up information about IVC filters and found some good pictures.  Here’s basically what it looks like…

Here’s a medical article about it.  I don’t like medical articles much but it was interesting to me cause it was all about what’s inside me!  Anyway…there are some great photos in the article here.  There’s one of what it looks like inside your body. ;D

Ok.  That’s all I have to say at the moment.  I think more of my life took over and I can’t go and have the rest of that good cry.  Too many people need me and too many dang things to do.

I can’t stand the in between phase…when my brain says do a million things and my body says no freakin way!  Talk about frustrating.  If you are type A you know exactly what I am talking about.  I am overall better…Corey would point out…doing more than the day before.  It often doesn’t feel like enough.  Again…type A.

Meanwhile…I have done a couple of layouts.  Both speed scraps.  I don’t know if I am in love with the speed scrap concept itself…but I sure find myself doing a lot of them recently! ;D

Layout credits.

Layout credits.

…lists.  They are neat and concise and to the point…or they can be. ;D

So I was thinking of describing my hospital experience that way.  Oh and yes I know I said I wasn’t going to post until next week.  But I’m sitting here with nothing to do.  I haven’t slept in 2 days and using my computer is the only comforting thing right now.  Well maybe not comforting…but it takes my mind off pain and lack of sleep.  So here’s my list…not my bucket list…bwahahahah!  Just a warning…if this has typos in it…I haven’t slept in two days.  Night one…worrying about the procedure.  Night two…pain from said procedure.  Ugh!

1.  I got all checked in just fine.  But…they didn’t know what my INR levels were and they wouldn’t do the “surgery” unless they knew so we had to wait for my blood work.  That backed things up a bit.

2.  When the doc got in, there were no clots in the filter but some of the “legs” of the filter had turned up instead of facing down so he had to turn them around.

3.  When he tried to pull it out it wouldn’t come out.  It hurt like HELL!  It had adhered to the wall of my vein…as they often do if you leave them in too long.

4.  He worked on me for over 3 hours.  This is a procedure that “typically” takes 1/2 and hour.  I was awake for all of it except one short part at the end.  They sedated me at the end because it was just getting to be so much.  They had to give me A LOOOOOOOOOOOT of pain meds.  Yes.  It sucked!

5.  As you may know they go in thru my neck to get this thing out.  Well.  He ALSO had to go up thru my groin because he put a balloon up under it to try to dislodge it.  So I had two catheters in me.  Yes it was awful.  I repeat.  Awful.

6.  I was in a ton of pain.  Did I mention that?  If I didn’t (he he) then I am again.  I still am.

7.  I am alive.  Yahoo!  I would insert dancing but I can’t exactly do that right now.

8.  They had to leave the filter in there AFTER all that…and it will stay in me for life.  The surgeon is not going to try to get it out a second time.  So after all that pain and suffering…it is still in there.  Peh!

9.  Where do I go from here?  If my genetic tests come back negative then hopefully I’ll get off coumadin in a few more months.  Leaving the filter in has some risks but trying to get it out has more risks I guess…so it stays.  Hopefully this will all soon be but a happy memory. 

10.  Maybe I’ll sleep tonight.  Maybe I won’t.  But if I don’t get some sleep soon heads will roll!  If you ask Corey…they already are!

I think that’s all I want to share.  Or all that I should.  Given my lack of sleep.

Since I don’t usually like to post without photos…here are a couple from the beach the other day. ;D

I couldn’t be more busy.  Or more lacking in computers to do things.

I got a new job at My Life and Scrap.  So I am now a designer at two places.  I’m working my tail off to get my new products together so I can open my store at MLAS.  My nice fancy computer Corey got me…so I could be a “real” designer and work in a “real” office…the motherboard died.  THEN he gave me a replacement that was, bless his heart, slower than death.  So I went back to my laptop and was working across the network.  THAT was even slower.  So he went to get my data off my brand new hard drive and the case that he put it in blew it up.  He went to see if it (the hard drive) really was dead and put it in the slower than death puter…and it blew the mother board in that one.  So I am computer-less…except for my trusty…knock on wood…laptop.

So now Corey’s in data recovery mode.  Trying to get all my data back.  Yikes.

So I’m trying not to stress.  And trying to work.  I ALSO am going to be guest CT at ScrapArtist in Aug.  I also have 3 speed scraps and a challenge I’m hosting at DSM.

Oh and btw…did I mention that I have to have my renal filter out on Friday?  The one they put in April to stop the blood clots from reaching my heart?  So I have to stop coumadin, start lovenox (yeah those pleasant shots) and go in for that…supposed to be an outpatient procedure…but when they put a catheter down your neck…it kinda hurts for a few days!  Also they say if there is a blood clot in it (the filter) then it has to stay in there for life…which has its own issues.

Yeah.  It just doesn’t stop around here.

So I don’t have access to any pretty pictures to show you…or any previews to any new products…or my challenge at DSM or the Freebie you can get if you do the speed scrap on Aug 2.  Sorry folks.

But I wanted to let you know I hadn’t fallen off the face of the earth…just yet! ;D

I’ve told you before that when I get out the camera to take photos of the dogs Skits poses and Baxter runs away.  It makes me laugh.  You might wonder why I have more photos on my blog…cute photos anyway…of Skits and why I have layouts, and the kids do too, of Skits and not Baxter.  Same reason.  Better photos cause he poses.

The other evening Corey and the kids went outside to play catch in the front yard.  We have a window seat in the formal living room that the dogs like to perch in and watch the goings-on in the front yard.  I found the dogs perched there watching.  I grabbed my camera to capture it.  As soon as I returned Baxter ran away.  Skits turned and literally “posed”.  Here he is…

First.  If you came to my blog yesterday or earlier today you may have seen my post (that I have since deleted) about my new store at Digi ScrapBook Mania.  Well.  I messed up.  So it will not be opening until next Monday.  Stay tuned! ;D

Second.  We made our debut at the pool this season yesterday.  It wasn’t the warmest of days…but we were tired of the constant nagging from the girls.  So we went. ;D  Our new pool has a diving board and two slides!  What fun!

It has been a long time, a very long time since I have felt good.  Actually good in my body.  I don’t know if you have ever been chronically ill…but if you have…you will KNOW what I am talking about.  Yesterday I felt really good.  I drove my car…for the first time in about 3 weeks.  I just haven’t felt up to it until now.  It may seem a little silly…but it was very freeing not to be carted to where I needed to go!

I suggested taking a walk with the doggies.  Poor guys…they haven’t gone on a walk since I got sick.  Would you believe that everyone in my family was complaining about going…EXCEPT me! ;D  Now that is a switch.  We took the dogs to the dog park since it is such a favorite place and since they can run off leash and just go and go.

I have not been able to take a walk in some time without getting winded.  Corey and I have been discussing my recent medical problems and we think they go back as far as last October.  He remembers me not being able to even hike short distances without getting completely winded.  A little scary to think about…

But last night was wonderful.  The weather is really starting to shape up around here.  I was able to keep up for the most part…and besides my back hurting…which is another issue entirely…I had a blast.  Man does it feel good to be on the mend!!!! ;D  Thank you Lord!